(inspired by recent graduation events, but again remember that what I write is fiction)

Exist

The most important thing about my graduation revolved around what shoes I was going to wear with my red dress.  To mom, this was of the utmost importance. 

I know she loves me and was proud of me, but often the big things are lost in the little things.  And so four years of college was now somehow hiding behind two slim, green, high-heel shoes.  Therefore, I walked into graduation with mother-approved black shoes.  (My toes were covered with bright band-aids in a failed attempt to prevent new-shoe blisters.)

 

Sitting on my designated chair as the ceremony began I felt the warmth of disquiet as my heartbeat skipped along with my nerves.  Looking back, I’m not sure if I was nervous about walking on the stage or even the formality of the situation, but moreso the finality.  And so my heart tripped and my hands were hot.

 

But then it was over.

As children we imagine fairy tale situations about our “grown up” lives.  Suddenly I had a “one time use” graduation robe, and my empty diploma cover, and it occurred to me that I was an adult - and also that perhaps fairy tales don’t exist.  This must be the turning point in our adult lives where we suddenly become those skeptical people kids don’t relate to.  Kids run around clapping their hands to save fairies while we squish their hopes and tell them Santa doesn’t exist.  And he doesn’t.  Exist.

My college friends are getting married.

I typed in “wedding rings” on google recently and ended up on a page of promise rings instead.  Everyone always asks what would happen if we could go back in time and make different decisions?  And my answer is I guess I could be wearing one of the three stone rings with the princess cut heart diamond in the middle; wait, with my promise of love and physical purity. 

But instead, the closest I can get to the reversal of time is clicking the back button on the computer screen; and wait - with my promise of fear and self-disillusionment.

And in the end it doesn’t matter if I wore green shoes to graduation or not.  I honestly don’t think anyone would have noticed either way.

But this morning when I got dressed for work, I chose black shoes and band-aids.